I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
