I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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