i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
