Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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