So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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