I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
