She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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