my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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