I'm so fucking centered right now
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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