so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
