The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
