he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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