You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
