none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
