fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
