I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
