the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I understand Curling. That high.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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