I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
