hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
