3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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