it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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