sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
