Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
