grandma shit on top of the toilet
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
