I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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