and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
