i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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