cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
