Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have aggressive nipples.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
