umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
