Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
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Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
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Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize