it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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