xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
