Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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