I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
