she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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