so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
