I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize