I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
