Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
