I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
