I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
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