Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
