fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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