Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
