Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
