apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
