Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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