I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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