I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
