Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
