I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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