Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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