I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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