A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
