I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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