if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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