a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize