Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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